


Saw you falling (apart)

by TalesoftheEnchantedForest



Series: Guardian angel Gabriel (Sabriel AU) [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Guardian Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Guardian Angel Gabriel (Supernatural), Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, hint at Dean&Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalesoftheEnchantedForest/pseuds/TalesoftheEnchantedForest
Summary: After 3 years, a tragic event has Sam returning to the old Winchester family house. The law student, burdened with guilt and doubt, faces his guardian angel once again whose only mission is to protect the man - even if it means protecting Sam from his own toxic mind.
Relationships: Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Series: Guardian angel Gabriel (Sabriel AU) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1790095
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Saw you falling (apart)

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to write a sequel to this AU. You could say that _Letbuckyeathisgoddamnplums_ called it in the comment section of the previous fanfic and I hope y'all find this ending satisfying!  
> I didn't mean it to be this long and I still think the ending is a bit off, but I hope you'll enjoy it! ^w^

„When will you get back?” 

Sam pursed his lips together upon hearing the soothingly familiar voice. He zipped up his duffel bag and hoped his next words sounded more convincing than he felt them. 

„A few days.” He answered softly with a weak smile, which never reached his eyes. 

Jessica’s eyes narrowed in suspicion but her features remained smooth and open. No matter the circumstances, nothing could make her seem less than perfect in Sam’s eyes. Her beauty and grace were the only things which made Sam reconsider his plans, but even her presence could not quiver the man’s determination. 

„I’ll be waiting for you.” Jessica replied quietly, compassion and acceptance flickering in her emerald eyes. 

Sam huffed, his laugh bittersweet on his tongue. Jessica had an ability to see right through people, even as guarded ones as Sam Winchester, and read them like open-books which she cradled with care and kindness. She never intruded or pushed, but made it known that nothing could escape her. Sam just hoped she would forgive him. 

Sam stepped closer to her and she instinctively wrapped her hands around his torso, enveloping them in a compassionate embrace. 

„I love you.” He whispered softly, feeling hot tears watering his shirt where Jessica’s head rested above his heart. 

  
***  


Everything felt unfamiliar as Sam exited his car. Objectively, he knew that nothing had changed, not even his room which his father had refused to refurnish after his departure. He took in the same old front yard with the systematically planted flowers adorning it, the familiar driveway with the faint signs of wheels where their father’s old ’67 Chevy Impala was parked, the same ugly curtains which blocked out the view of the living room from the nosy neighbours. 

Everything was part of a bigger picture that used to represent his family. Every minuscule detail fit together like puzzle pieces and he was the only oddity standing out. 

Dean greeted him with a bone-breaking hug and a cascade of questions about his life at Stanford and Jeccisa’s job at the hospital. Sam gave him short answers as he was led into the house which he once called home. 

Sam appreciated Dean’s attempts at making him feel less uncomfortable and miserable than he already was, but everything seemed morbid with the way he acted so cheerfully after everything that had happened. However, Sam knew that ignorance was Dean’s most common coping mechanism and Dean would do anything just so he didn’t affect others with his mood. He always tried to protect people, especially his brother, even from his own dark emotions. Sam didn’t comment on how bizarre it felt since nothing felt right about the situation. 

Sam’s room was like an old family book with pictures of a life so far away that it felt unreal. From the posters, the bedsheet, the books and the neatly folded clothes in his drawer to the old NFL cards he collected and a dusted skateboard abandoned in the corner of the room: all of it belonged to Sam’s previous life. It belonged to a more childish, naive and ambitious Sam. As the adult Sam was standing in the centre of the room, duffel bag tossed onto his strangely small bed, he felt as if he was standing in a stranger’s room. Like he went through a time channel and was back in his high school years when life was less complicated and held promises of a better future. 

Sam trodded down the staircase and entered the kitchen. He stopped for a moment to admire the doorframe which bore several lines and dates like a tattoo from a time when their father still tried to follow the classic family activities, such as keeping track of his sons’ ever-growing heights. The lines were faded and they evidently stopped appearing around the time Sam was nine. As his gaze followed the white wood higher up, his eyes locked onto one wayward line much further than the rest. It was almost at Sam’s current height, obviously scrambled there by Dean after his birthday. The mark indicated the year when Sam finally outgrew his brother. It was the same year he abandoned his family and moved away without saying goodbye. 

„I’ve started watching these cooking shows on TV, and man, they are life-saving!” Dean’s cheery voice rang in the small kitchen but it lacked its usual peppiness. „Some very lovely lady made me realise that I couldn’t order pizza or live on meat lover’s hamburger for the rest of my life. I had to learn how to cook real food, man! And I won’t lie, I kinda dig the whole housewife lifestyle!” 

Sam gave him a sour smile in response. Dean had to learn how to make meals for himself since he was left alone in this world. He had no one to take care of him, and Sam wasn’t here to help him through those hardships. This hobby was obviously a distraction but Sam still felt grateful that his brother had found something that kept him busy. 

„Prepare yourself for the best macaroni you have ever eaten! The secret ingredient is cumin.” 

Dean was wearing his trademark smirk that reminded Sam of the old times when they got on mischiefs together and believed that they could take over the world. Those dreams were abandoned somewhere along the road, stuck in a world where such hopes seemed feasible. 

„I hope it doesn’t contain marshmallows or syrup. I am surprised I don’t have serious health issues after how often you cooked me pasta from the things you found in the fridge.” Sam teased, welcoming the familiar habit that he hadn’t been a part of for 3 years. 

„I was a real pioneer! You should be proud of your old bro for feeding your insatiable hunger! Seriously, how much food do you need for that moose-size body to function?” 

Sam shook his head to hide a fond smile before sitting down at the tiny dining table. There were three plates set on the kitchen clothing, but only two people would eat that day. 

  
***  


The funeral was held two days later. It wasn’t a big ceremony due to Dean’s low income and their father’s loans he was still struggling to pay back. But there was no need for anything special as there were only five people present at the ceremony. 

Sam had never seen Uncle Bobby cry before and this occasion was no different. His eyes watered from time to time but he quickly rubbed the tears out of them like he was allergic to emotions. Charlie – Dean’s only close friend who also worked at the car shop – was standing silently beside the older Winchester, squeezing his arm and wiping her eyes with the sleeves of his jacket every now and then. It was a cold November and Sam felt shivers running down his spine every time he looked at the coffin. The younger man was frozen in spot beside the hole in which the cheap coffin was lowered into, not hearing a single word the priest whispered as a farewell due to the howling wind. 

They took the shovels and worked in silence. The grave was simple: Dean spent all his money on a stone in which they could engrave their father’s name for the world to see how ungracefully can a man fall. Their father was lonely and miserable. An alcoholic who sometimes abused his children verbally (and in Dean’s case, physically, no matter how rarely it occurred) and still, they planted flowers into the ground under which their father would lie forever because they were family. Connected and united by blood. And unbreakable chain. 

Sam felt like puking. 

No words were said, only the wind was screaming in agony. Sam felt numb and sick to his stomach. He hadn’t been there to hear their father’s last words and Dean refused to talk about it. Sam assumed that John was cursing him even with his last breath. 

But he deserved it, deep down he knew. He had abandoned his family to chase his silly dreams and forget where he came from. He was a disgrace, a disappointment and a failure. He betrayed his father, his brother – and now he had the face to stand there and silently beg for forgiveness. 

He hoped that with his choice will abide by his father’s last wish: to reunite the family. 

  
***  


„How long are you planning to stay?” 

Sam should have anticipated the question, nevertheless, he was clueless for how to deliver his answer. 

„As long as I need to.” 

His unusually brief statement didn’t go unnoticed, clue the heavy silence which settled upon the kitchen like a thick fog in which even time seemed to plod uncomfortably. Images from the funeral just a few days back flashed before his eyes, hindering Sam’s morning appetite for the third day in a row. 

„Are you planning to leave at all?” Dean’s words were sharp like a razor, cutting straight to Sam’s core and carving out the answer from there before the younger Winchester could respond. Sam remained silent with his gaze fixated on his hamburger that he was in the middle of making. All words felt like massive weights on Sam’s chest, and the conversation was already taking a route which would bring the brothers to unfamiliar territory. Emotions were rarely discussed in this household, and Sam was unmotivated to break the tradition. 

„You know you don’t have to-” 

„Yes, I do.” Sam quickly cut in, bringing the long-overdue conversation to a halt once again. 

Dean’s nose flared as he tried to prevent himself from raising his voice. He needed to be considerate of his brother, no matter how self-destructive and corrupted Sam’s inner thought process was. On the other hand, he couldn’t leave his brother to his own devices when he was in such a dire need of comfort and guidance. 

„He wouldn’t want you to-” Dean gave another shot to reasoning but his brother’s cold stare twisted something in his stomach which made all arguments die on his tongue. 

„This is exactly what he wanted!” Sam stated dryly, eyes like glasses to the infinite emptiness behind them. 

Dean witnessed as Sam took his half-ready hamburger, tossed it into the trash, and trudged up to his old room. He felt the slight tremble as a door was shut closed, but he could never truly comprehend the hopelessness which hung over Sam’s head as his own world crumbled to the ground. 

  
***  


„Son, how much did you eat today?” Bobby’s voice was stern but carried the usual softness that he presented towards everybody whom he didn’t deem as a threat to his family. It was odd to receive such kindness and compassion from a man who looked much rougher on the outside due to years of fighting his own battles on the dreadful field of life. 

Sam was eager to give all pretence up and hold onto the older male’s figure like a life-line. It would be so easy to unravel between the arms of the man who loved him and showed him more affection than his father ever did. Regardless of the relief it would bring, Sam doubted he would ever be able to stand up after a such an intense crash. So, bringing his walls up, he kept his head low and avoidant of Bobby’s scrutinizing gaze. 

„I ate enough.” 

He couldn’t have a good look at Bobby’s reaction but he was sure that his uncle could see right through his lies but was too caring and empathetic to force Sam into talking about problems he was not ready to share yet, so he attempted another tactic. 

„What about I finish this car so you can have a break, son?” 

„Thanks, but I’m fine.” Sam’s voice was flat and clear of any emotion, heightening Bobby’s concerns and activating his parental instincts. 

„Son, are you sure-” 

„Why don’t you go and help Dean? It should be his lunch break after all.” 

Bobby sighed in defeat, a hint of irritation reflecting on his wrinckled features before he retreated to his office like a man on his shame walk. 

  
***  


„He’s still tormenting him from the grave.” 

„Bobby.” Dean was too exhausted both physically and mentally to manage anything more than a whisper, which obviously didn’t do anything to stop his paternal figure’s ranting. 

„No, I can’t do this anymore! I know that if I can’t say good about the dead then I should keep my mouth shut but this is going too far. That boy is suffering, and we both know well what brought the sudden decision for Sam to stay here in his father’s business. John isn’t even here anymore, for God’s sake! He was a poor excuse for a father when he was alive and he still manages to make his sons bow before his command with false convictions on how a family should work-” 

„That’s enough!” Dean shouted, face flushed with rage and voice echoing like thunder before the storm. „I’m sorry.” Dean apologised with his head hanging low, avoiding eye-contact with the other man. „I will talk to Sam.” And with that, he disappeared into the house. 

  
***  


Two weeks had passed before Dean finally had enough of Sam’s pity party and decided to take matters into his own hands. Stubbornsess ran in the family, apparently, but if Sam had anything deviant about him, which made him better than any member of their family, then it was his rationality. Sam was reasonable, sane and open-minded. If Dean delivered his points effectively, he could persuade his brother and most likely save Sam from ruining his life. 

„Hey, Sammy. Guess what I have found!” 

Sam watched closely as Dean opened a small book full of old pictures. His brother patted the seat beside him on the couch and Sam reluctantly took a seat. Dean started flipping through the pages, pointing at some of the particularly cute or absurd pictures while providing some (not so witty but still cheery) commentary. Sam’s eyes scanned those pages hesitantly before raising a questioning eyebrow at his brother. Dean had never been keen on nostalgia, mostly due to their troubled childhood, which wasn’t as happy and joyful as the memories made them out to be. As you grow up, the painful memories fade away or they will be corrupted by your own mind, making up a false image that is easier to accept than the reality. Memories made better in your brain cannot erase the trauma, though, and Dean preferred to repress those feelings or at least talk about them as little as possible. In conclusion, his brother had an ulterior motive. 

„You always had mom’s smile.” Dean commented with a lopsided smile, his fingers carefully sliding over a picture of a younger Dean and Sam Winchester. 

„Dean, what is this all about? What are you trying to do?” Sam confronted, his eyes narrowing slightly as he watched Dean lean back against the couch. 

„You also inherited our father’s talent to call bullshit, I almost forgot.” Dean joked but when Sam’s expression remained stoic and cold, the older brother slumped his shoulders in resignation. 

„This is not right, Sam,” Dean started his lecture while Sam rolled his eyes. 

„Dean, we have already had this conversation-” 

„Actually no, we haven’t.” Dean cut in shortly. He seemed irritated and indignant, but mostly just concerned. Sam hated the older brother lookTM. 

„Jessica probably misses you.” Dean spoke up and Sam’s heart clenched at the mention of his girlfriend. He had tried so hard not to think of her. The disappointment he caused, the pain he put her through. She deserved better. And in time, she will find someone worthy of her love and attention. Leaving her behind was the hardest decision Sam had ever had to make, and in accordance with his actions, he was also a victim of his choices, suffering the consequences day after day. He thought of her all the time but her memory bore so much pain alongside with the shame that Sam couldn’t afford to return to her. It was selfish, however, Sam had already accepted that part of him. She reminded him too much of the mistake he had made three years ago, and yet, the longing still overwhelmed the younger brother from time to time. 

„I miss her, too.” Sam simply answered, his face neutral. Dean could see right through his facade but knew better than to mock his brother about it. 

„So, what’s stopping you from returning to her?” Dean questioned, trying to understand his brother. The death of their father crushed him beyond prepare but Dean believed that during the dark days they should stick together even stronger than before. Family walked with you through hell, so why was Sam so relentless to resist sharing his burden with him? 

„You know what.” Sam whispered, eyes fixated on the floor. 

„No, I actually don’t.” Dean argued. „Mom always wanted us to follow our dreams. To live a happy life that we are satisfied with. You know how many people would gladly take the life that you have over any-” 

„Well, I didn’t know her!” Sam shouted back, tears gleaming in his eyes. „She **died** before I had the chance to memorise those life lessons she had taught you.” It was harsh, Sam was well aware of that, but he had enough of others not being able to understand what he was going through. „I am not those people! I went to college to follow my **big** dreams and create a perfect life with happiness and white picket fences and all that jazz.” Sam took a deep breath, his shoulders slugging. „And I didn’t think of any of you through that time. I didn’t call for three years and I never even considered visiting. You barely crossed my mind!” 

Contrary to what Sam believed, Dean did know his brother. He was sure that those words were not true, not entirely, but his little brother always liked to exaggerate and punish himself for things that his brain wrongly deemed as his fault. 

„You were hurt, I don’t blame you for trying to forget about a bad memory…” Dean attempted to comfort his brother but Sam had only shaken his head. 

„You don’t understand, do you? I _hate_ the person I was at college. Ignorant, snobbish, hard-headed. Jessica was the only one who could bring out the good in me, but I felt guilty for being happy while you-” Sam choked on the last words, hand coming up to pinch his nose in frustration. „It doesn’t matter, forget it.” With those last words, Sam abruptly stood up from the couch and stormed out of the house, ignoring his brother’s desperate calls after him. 

  
***  


Sam had been putting it off for weeks now, but after that talk he had with Dean, it felt like the gates were finally open. He had to unfold himself in order to find some kind of peace and serenity. Thoughts were drumming in his skull and he wished to abolish all the hate and blame he placed upon himself. He could never redo what was already done, but maybe there was a chance at redemption after all. 

He kneeled in front of his bed, hands resting on the sheets as he waited for the words to come. He hadn’t prayed in 2 years. It was strange, seeing how this time the prayer wasn’t meant for a fair-haired angel that had helped him through the worst night of his life. Well, second worst night. Sam put his palms together in hope that his words could reach beyond angels, and that the encounter he had had with the extraterrestrial being that faithful night was not a lucid dream in fact. 

Sam cleared his throat multiple times, unsure of how to start the long-overdue conversation. „Hey, dad,” Sam laughed nervously, cringing at his words as soon as they left his mouth. He tried to reorganise his thoughts as he rubbed at his bloodshot eyes before repositioning himself on the floor. „I hope you’re in a good place. I’m- I’m sure you are having a bless in Heaven with mom.” Sam quickly cut himself off, sliding one hand over his damp cheeks. This was not a casual chat, and he had more pressing messages to send through. 

„I miss you,” Sam admitted, feeling like a stone had been lifted off his chest. „I know you probably don’t believe me but… I’m sorry for not calling. For not contacting in any way. I wanted to come and visit but… Well, I don’t have a good excuse for that, huh?” Sam felt a few tears ran down his cheeks that he swiftly wiped away. „Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry for not being here in the hardest times to support you. To help you through the pain that the illness caused. Dean told me you tried to hide it from him and honestly, that doesn’t surprise me. I just wish you had asked for help-” Sam felt his voice break off, so he had to collect himself before speaking up again, „I would have come. You know I would have. But I also know it was hard for you, too. I-I still remember our last conversation… You told me that if I step out of the house then I should never come back. Well, I was never one to follow your instructions, right?” Sam didn’t stop the tears from falling this time. „But I wasn’t faithful to my words, either. I told you I would never follow in your footsteps, but look at me now! I’m here, doing what you’ve always wanted me to do.” Sam took a deep breath before continuing. „I know I failed you. I know I failed our family. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good son but I’m here to make it right. I hope you can forgive me and eventually, I will make you proud. Just like I should have done.” 

Sam took a few calming breaths as he looked around the room where his childhood stayed trapped in time. His eyes darted around, unsure of what (or who) he was looking for and still feeling disappointed at the sight of his old room. He rose to his feet before making his way down the stairs and into the little library-slash-office. 

He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, scrolling through the contact list until his eyes spotted the familiar face smiling up at him. His fingers hovered over the screen hesitantly, cursing himself for his cowardice. He closed his eyes, knowing all well that there was one more person that deserved an apology from him. He just didn’t know if he was ready to hear her voice again. 

„You should make that call, kid.” 

Sam stumbled backwards, almost dropping his phone as he went to grab the first object his hands could reach to use as a makeshift weapon against the intruder. In the next moment, however, his hands fell to his sides when he got a closer look at the man before him. 

„Gabriel” The angel’s name was merely a whisper but Gabriel heard him anyway. 

„The one and only!” The man exclaimed in a cheerful manner, flopping down on the sofa ungainly. „Say, why don’t you put that Bowling Championship Prize down so I feel more welcomed?” 

The angel looked exactly the way he did 3 years ago. Sam assumed that angels didn’t age – at least, not in a way that would affect their appearance – but he was still left speechless at the sight of the other man. First of all, his presence proved that Sam wasn’t, in fact, a lunatic freak whose drunk-ass made up a very realistic dream about waking up in a handsome angel boy’s bed and getting a car ride by said creature. Second, Sam’s memory mustn’t be the best since the guy standing in front of him was beyond gorgeous, and he didn’t recall him be this beautiful – maybe it was due to him being drunk the first time around or maybe it was some kind of angel thing. Nevertheless, Sam felt like an idiot as he was most likely gaping at the other in a very unattractive way. 

Gabriel’s curly hair looked longer and fluffier than last time, a few wayward locks falling into his face to cover those mesmerizing honey-brown eyes and that playful smirk that the angel was constantly wearing. Sam must have been staring at him for quite some time because he was pulled back from his daydream by the sound of snapping fingers. 

„Oh, sorry…” 

Sam murmured, placing the trophy back into its place on the bookshelf. He tried to straighten out his shirt before turning around, carding his hands through his messy hair for good measure. Then he just stood there, waiting for the angel to finally enlighten him about the reasons for his visit, but Gabriel showed no sign of doing so. Instead, he leaned back on the couch, an amused smirk in place as he observed the nervous man standing just a few feet away from him. 

„What are you doing here?” Sam broke the silence once it was clear that Gabriel had no intention of speaking up anytime soon. „I haven’t seen you in… 3 years!” 

Sam was surprised at how hurt his voice sounded, but he was even more shocked at the amused glimmer of light that reflected in the other’s eyes. 

„You not seeing me doesn’t mean I wasn’t with you the whole time.” Gabriel said in a playful, almost boastful manner. Sam’s jaw almost hit the ground. 

„You were?!” Sam couldn’t believe what his life had come to. 

„Hells yeah! I’m your guardian angel, kinda part of the job, Sammoose.” Gabriel mocked, sticking a lollipop into his mouth that seemed to appear out of thin air. Sam opened then closed his mouth, gulping like a fish and growing more and more irritated at the clear enjoyment Gabriel was getting from his awkwardness. 

„But-But I didn’t call you!” Sam stuttered. 

„You didn’t need to.” Gabriel retorted, swirling the lollipop between his lips in a way that made Sam quickly turn away, focusing on the real question that had been in the back of his mind since the other had appeared. 

„Why are you here?” The man greeted out between his teeth, his voice cold and accusatory. 

„Why am I here?!” Gabriel gasped out dramatically. „That is not the correct question to ask here, Samshine. What you should be focusing on is: Why are **you** here?” 

„What do you mean?” Sam asked, confusion written over his face as he turned back around. Gabriel was no longer sitting on the sofa which left the other man stumbling backwards the second time. The angel was standing right in front of him, barely reaching his shoulder but his whole stance reflected confidence that was only empowered by the sheer warmth that his body radiated. Gabriel’s eyes bore into his, the illusion of the angel’s serious persona being ruined by the lollipop poking at Sam’s chest. 

„You should be at Stanford living the fancy life of a pre-law student, wearing expensive-looking tuxedos and carrying satchels around you like those other snob college kids who think they can buy the whole city because daddy has a fat wallet. Maybe you could even drag yourself out to an actual party, you know, live your life and enjoy that fleeting period of time you humans call youth?” 

Gabriel’s whole being screamed vexation, mouth set into an adorable little pout that started gently sucking at the lollipop once again (Sam swore angels shouldn’t be allowed to be simultaneously cute and sexually frustrating). 

„Yeah, I don’t know if you got the memo,” Sam spoke up, leaning down to emphasis the height difference between them, „but things have changed around here.” Sam felt giddy at the exasperated sight that escaped the other’s lips. 

„I know that, Sam. My case still stands.” Gabriel said, looking like a kicked puppy from down there. „It’s been 2 months. You visited the old family house, had some nostalgic moments which hopefully helped you mourn the loss of your dad. But you know – college is still there and those studies won’t be completed by themselves!” Gabriel emphasised his words by throwing his arms up in the air with a hopeful smile on his face. 

„I’m not going back.” 

The smile fell from Gabriel’s lips, the guardian angel clearly annoyed at the other – Sam couldn’t blame him. 

„Okay, give me a second while I laugh!” Gabriel shouted back, making Sam grimace at his antics. „Why not, Sammich? That is your dream, you remember? To become a fancy lawyer, buy a big house with a dog and help people-” 

„That **was** my dream.” Sam stated coldly, „Things change.” 

„No, Sammy, they don’t. Not like this.” Gabriel argued, trying to be reasonable in hope that the other would realize how mistaken he was, „I am your guardian angel. I know that Stanford is still the main show on Sammy’s Dream Channel. Why quit then?” 

„I can’t go back.” Sam shook his head, dropping his phone down onto the table with the contacts list still open. 

„Why not?” Gabriel pushed while he silently sent a prayer up to his father to shove it up his ass for assigning the most difficult, most hard-headed and most emotionally constipated brothers to him and Castiel. 

„Why can’t you understand it?” Sam yelled with desperation in his voice. „When my father died, I wasn’t there! I was having dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant, talking about college and renting an apartment and having a bright future as an attorney. I wasn’t even thinking about my family, I never thought about returning. Then he just… wasn’t here anymore.” Sam’s voice shrank down into a neigh whisper, shaky hands clenching the bridge of his nose as he continued. „I couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t… apologise. I abandoned this family and I left him behind when he needed me the most. I wasn’t a good son, even so, the only thing I did as his child was letting him down.” 

A heavy silence stretched through the room that was only interrupted by the ticking sound of the clock, but nothing could match the loudness of Sam’s heart as it thundered inside his chest. Conflicting emotions fought their battles to make sense of the situation and to finally let go of all the guilt he felt but something was chaining him to the past. Gabriel watched the man recoil as his eyes darkened and he fell onto the sofa in defeat. However, the angel could see way beyond the physical realm which meant that he could sense – besides the pain that consumed the other’s soul - that flickering, never fading light that was held captive in a cage built of guilt and shame. He needed to save that glimmer of light. 

„So you think this will help?” 

„It is a sort of compensation.” Sam answered, but it sounded more like a question. 

Gabriel lowered himself onto the furniture just close enough for the man to hear him, but refraining himself from touching the other as to not break the fragility of the moment. 

„You think he was ashamed of you?” Gabriel asked in a soft voice, his eyes trying to catch Sam’s gaze that seemed to have been shifting from one part of the room to the other. „You think he hated you for leaving this house? You know he had a journal, right?” 

_This had to work._

„Yeah… he wrote every important detail down there.” Sam recalled with a hint of confusion as to why that was important all of a sudden. 

„Find it.” 

Sam’s eyes narrowed in bewilderment and he was ready to defy the angel’s command but when he turned to face the guardian angel, Gabriel was nowhere to be found. Sam’s brain was working a mile a minute but the only prominent thought that echoed in his head was to _find the journal_. 

  
***  


Dean found his request initially strange but handed the item over without objection. He reckoned his brother needed some time to reconnect with their father and if it would ultimately convince his younger brother that staying here was not the equivalent of redemption, then he couldn’t take that chance away from him. 

Sam returned to the library, this time less taken aback by the sight of the guardian angel. 

„Geez, man, what are doing when you disappear? Are you just invisible or something?” Sam mumbled but got no answer other than an eye-roll. 

„Just read it, would you?” 

Sam huffed but obeyed nonetheless. He flipped through the familiar pages that a 9-year-old Sam Winchester would read in the utter secrecy of his room before his father started to look for his journal. He involuntarily smiled at some of the scribbles that belonged to him, touched by the fact that his father kept the doodles regardless of his strict policy of not touching the sacred journal. They were never called out for that. 

„Keep going.” Gabriel chimed in and Sam gave him a side-eye. 

The next few pages were new, mostly from his and Dean’s time in high school when they grew out of stealing their father’s stuff (well, mostly, Dean still liked to borrow his father’s jackets to impress some girls – and boys). There were notes of customers, events and even some weird languages and numbers. He didn’t recall his father coding his notes. He must have wanted to keep certain pieces of information private. As the years passed, there were fewer and fewer records regarding the brothers, apart from the occasional competitions and achievements like _1994, April 10: Dean fixes his first car_ or _1998, October 14: Sam wins the school’s Mathematics Competition._ Sam could not identify what kind of feelings these findings brought to him but one thing was sure: he could not imagine his father noting down these events as something remarkable to later look back on. His father didn’t like to indulge in nostalgia, so why would he keep accounts of their successes? 

„Still not over yet, Samalam.” 

The man grimaced at the nickname but kept reading. That was when the cold water hit him right in the face. 

_1991, Sept 1: Sam starts university_

_1991, May 5: Sam passes his final exam_

_1991, July 8: Sam gets his first part-time job_

Sam was beyond words. His father was keeping track of him? And he was noting things down into his journal? 

„You didn’t disappoint your father, Samshine,” Gabriel spoke up, his voice making the other jump a little – he almost forgot that the angel was there. „If anything, you only made him proud.” 

„I don’t understand.” Sam gasped, blinking several times to check if he was reading the words correctly, „Are you messing with me?” 

„Of course not! Why would I lie?” Gabriel looked genuinely offended at the accusation but his attention was solely focused on his current mission which was to protect Sam. Both from physical and unduly severe emotional pain. „You think your father didn’t feel remorse after parting the way you two did?! He hated how he treated you. Oh, you should have seen that pity party!” Gabriel declared with something akin to compassion. „And when you started college… he drove to Stanford that day, you know?” 

Sam was baffled by the amount of new information he received. All seemed to portray a father he had only known in his memories before their life got flipped upside down. It was almost impossible to imagine John act any different than the strict and dissatisfied person he embodied for decades. 

John was not the emotional, openly caring type. Sam had to learn from experience how to detect the hidden meanings behind his father’s actions. A pat on the shoulder was either a sign of encouragement or pride, the swift raffling of hair was a gesture of affection, and the opportunity to draw into his journal was an indication of trust. It took the Winchester boys years to de-code the small and simple motions, but it also made them more appreciative of the small details. It would be wrong to assume, however, that Sam didn’t believe his father would write down significant moments like these – especially since his journal was like a secret cage for all of his father’s repressed feelings – but Sam presumed that after their last argument, his father would simply erase him from his life. Clearly, it wasn’t the case. 

„Really?” 

„Yeah, ask Dean. He drove for hours to see his youngest son finally live his own life. You did the one thing he never could – you followed your dreams.” Gabriel explained while giving a long and meaningful look to Sam, „You stepped out of this misery – you changed the faith that others had chosen for you! Your father never had the strength to do so, hence he had projected all of his anger onto you at first. But he never hated you for leaving, much less for fulfilling your purpose. He was your father – regardless of how shittily he behaved – and deep down in his heart, he wanted you the best.” 

Sam’s eyes skimmed over the pages again, unable to find words to describe the turmoil of emotions that swirled inside him. Were there even words for a situation like this? Sam wished the angel was right, but his mind kept replaying those faithful words his father shouted at him before he stepped out of the house: _If you step out of this house, you’re not my son anymore!_

„But- but his legacy…” Sam stuttered but Gabriel’s outburst silenced him on the spot. 

„You think his legacy is working at an auto shop five days a week?! Come on, Sammy, that is just hurtful!” Gabriel squinted his eyes at him but he must have sensed the vulnerability reflected in the other’s eyes because, in the next moment, the angel lowered his voice to continue more gently, „Your father wanted you – both you and Dean – to become men he could be proud of. Dean grew up to be a - fairly - responsible man who will inherit the shop and eventually settle down with a family of his own. And you – well, that is up to you. Obviously, your father’s opinion had differed from yours on who you would become, but he was convinced that you were born to achieve great things. He looked at you and immediately saw the difference: someone who helped others, someone who dared to go against the world and be himself. Someone who was not his father.” Gabriel finished with a subtle smile, „Don’t take that pride away from him.” 

Sam didn’t know how to process all of this. Once again, Gabriel reemerged in the most unexpected moment and caused his life to take a drastic 180-degree turn and now Sam was left to deal with everything on his own. It was overwhelming, to say the least. 

„Where is he now?” Sam was not sure why it was his first question regarding his father, but it was easier to ask when all the answers he was looking for were out of his reach. 

Gabriel gave him an understanding, yet mischievous look before summoning a cocktail and taking a sip from the suspicious-looking drink. 

„He took the stairways to the upstairs party.” Gabriel announced with a wink, hiding his smile behind the glass when Sam heaved a relieved sigh. 

„So… can-can he hear me?” Sam’s voice wavered and Gabriel contemplated lying for the first time to save the other from the disappointment. However, trust was fundamental in their relationship and Gabriel had already broken some rules by showing Sam his wings, he didn’t want to be accounted for giving out false information to humans. 

„Phf, no.” Gabriel admitted, his smile dropping upon seeing the crushed look on Sam’s face. It shattered the angel’s heart but the human deserved the truth. „Only angels can. Heaven is… like a big TV screen. Your own personal HD home cinema where you can rewatch the best moments of your life. And trust me, even if you refuse to believe it, you two share some good memories. The difference is, that in this movie everybody is the main character staring in their own little show!” Gabriel tried to lighten the mood with an enthusiastic voice, but Sam’s eyes were glazed over as he stared at the wall opposite him. A new technique was needed. Gabriel had to be upfront if he hoped to persuade the otherwise stubborn man. 

„Sam, it is okay to live your life the way you want to.” Gabriel assured him, tentatively laying a hand on Sam’s knees who jolted out of his reverie at the contact. „I thought I’ve already told you that. My mission is your happiness. That might sound cheesy but that’s how it is. I can’t let you do something that you will regret later because I know that you are hurting.” Sam kept his gaze glued to the ground but made no effort to brush off the angel’s touch, „Your father wouldn’t want this. To just waste your life by denying yourself any chance at happiness.” 

Fueled with dedication and newly gained confidence, Gabriel brought up his other hand to slowly caress Sam’s cheeks which were slightly wet from a few shed teardrops. Sam’s weary eyes fluttered open to meet the archangel’s soft gaze. His hand delicately slide over Sam’s cheekbone and the other man involuntarily leaned into the touch. 

„Go home, Sam.” The angel whispered in a hushed voice. „Go back to Jessica.” 

Sam abruptly pulled away from the other as if his skin had connected with fire. 

„I can’t.” 

The magic was broken, and so was Gabriel’s figurative rope of patience. 

„Arggh, dear Father, you are so stubborn!” The angel berated before standing up from his seat and starting to pace in the room. 

„I can’t go back.” Sam attempted to explain, taken aback by how upset his guardian angel looked at his answer, „That life would only remind me of the biggest mistake of my life! The memory of leaving without making peace with my father – and not calling him afterwards - would hunt me day and night and I don’t know if I would be able to live with that.” 

Gabriel turned around on his heels when he heard Sam’s voice break off at the end. The man’s eyes were glistening from the sorrow that weighed down on his heart, and Gabriel wished he could take away that pain from the other. 

„You both made mistakes.” Gabriel said, his voice barely above a whisper, „He didn’t call you either.” 

„We were both scared.” Sam snapped, his tear-filled eyes flickering with an unexpected heat behind them, „But it doesn’t matter now, does it? I can’t… just go back and expect everything to be like it used to be. It wouldn’t make me happy.” 

Gabriel swallowed hard, feeling small in front of the other man which was odd, taken that Gabriel’s true form was bigger than the city of New York. Doubt crept up on the angel as questions began to bombard his brain: Did he really know what made Sam happy? Did he make a mistake? Was he failing Sam? 

„Then what would?” Gabriel finally asked, hating how unsure he sounded. 

Sam took a step towards him, and since he was extremely tall, that one step brought them incredibly close. Gabriel had to tilt his head back to gaze up onto the other man, and if he was being honest, he kinda liked the renewed confidence in Sam’s eyes. 

„He wanted me to live my life, right? Enjoy it while I can?” 

It didn’t sound like a question but Gabriel hesitantly gave the man a nod, nonetheless. Sam’s eyes lit up suddenly and the image of his radiant smile was too much for Gabriel to handle. 

„Then let’s run away!” 

Gabriel expected everything but that. He squinted at the other, laughing in disbelief. 

„Run away? Kid, going on an adventure like that alone…” Gabriel would have supported Sam, had he not gone through a serious heartbreak in the past months which was greatly due to the loss of his father. He was still evidently mourning and Gabriel was sincerely concerned for him. 

„But I wouldn’t be alone. You would be there, too!” Sam argued, his eyes narrowing in confusion but the warm smile never left his lips. 

„You wouldn’t see me.” Gabriel clarified, oblivious to Sam’s implications. 

„That doesn’t have to be the case.” Sam murmured softly before taking Gabriel’s hands into his and giving it a small squeeze. „Come with me.” 

Gabriel thought he misheard the other’s words because surely, Sam wasn’t aware of what he was suggesting. Gabriel’s legs felt like jelly under him and even with his angel powers, he couldn’t will his heart to stop beating so rapidly. This unknown sensation filled the angel with utter terror, but he couldn’t deny how pleasant it felt to stand so close to the other and hear him say those horrifying words. 

„Sam, do you realize how crazy that sounds?” Gabriel chuckled nervously but was rendered speechless when Sam tugged on his hand excitedly. 

„Yeah! And I don’t care.” Sam was literally glowing with delight, committed to persuading Gabriel into accompanying him. He wouldn’t do this without the angel. „You were the one who always helped me stand back on my feet. I want you to come with me. Gabe, **I need you.** ” 

Gabriel’s stomach was doing flip-flops now and why was it so hard to breathe all of a sudden? He didn’t even need to breathe, for Heaven’s sack! 

„Sam, I’m an angel…” Gabriel started with head hanging low in shame as he pictured his brothers and sisters watching him in disgust and hatred from above. Yet, his reasoning fell short against Sam’s vital puppy eyes. 

„So? Is there a heavenly law against an angel being with a human?” 

And there it was. The truth that they have been circling around for hours, maybe even years. Gabriel was mortified to find that he was equally excited and disturbed about the prospect of staying with Sam without needing to hide from his sight or observe the man from afar. 

„No, but they definitely wouldn’t approve of it.” Gabriel said weakly, heart fluttering when Sam cupped his chin and tilted it upwards. Their faces were so close that Gabriel could feel Sam’s breath on his skin, and he unconsciously wrapped his invisible wings around the two of them protectively. 

„Screw them.” Sam whispered with a wicked grin on his face and Gabriel was sure that this was how falling from grace felt. 

Gabriel wanted nothing but to say yes, to take the other’s hand and run away with him from all the pain and all the judgement they would have to face. But Gabriel had to be responsible. His main mission was to help humankind and he had a family upstairs that he both loathed and loved with all his being. Abandoning Heaven, his home, seemed impossible to him. Seeing his sibling’s disappointed and hateful looks would be the worst punishment in the entire existence. 

„Sam, it’s not that easy.” Gabriel reasoned, slipping his hands out of the man’s hold and ignoring the heartwrenching look on the other’s face, „There are not just angels out there. There are monsters too. Literal monsters. And you think Heaven would just sit back and watch one of its soldiers run away? They would be looking for me. They would be looking for us.” 

„Then come with me.” Sam pushed, his voice desperate and pleading. „We can help other people. We can even face an army of vengeful angels together. I don’t mind. Just don’t leave me again.” 

Sam choked on the last words and Gabriel had to turn his head away to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. 

„Give me some time Sam.” He begged, feeling like the world was crumbling down around him and he was unsure if it was because of the thought of going with Sam, or the thought of leaving him, „ I need to think this through.” 

Sam heard the quiet rustling of feathers before he was left alone in the dark room, the salty taste of tears left in his mouth remaining the only proof of their encounter. 

  
***  


„I understand, Sam,” Jess’s voice sounded like crying church bells. Sam didn’t muffle the sob that escaped him. „Maybe in another life, we will be together.” 

Sam looked up at the ceiling, eyes fluttering close against the teardrops that gathered there. „Yeah, maybe,” He clenched the phone firmer in his hands as if to hold onto this moment for a little bit longer. „And hey, make your dreams a reality… just like we planned to do.” 

„Yeah,” Jess whispered back, „You too,” quiet hiccups left her lips as she tried to compose herself on the other end of the line. 

He didn’t lose her, Sam reminded himself. He simply said goodbye to her, and for Sam, it made all the difference. 

  
***  


Sam took in the sight of the setting sun like it was the last time he would see it. The house which was once the safest and warmest place in the world for him was now showered in the golden-purple light as if nature could sense the significance of the moment. From this angle, Sam could see how the old wood was a faded red instead of the rich brown it once was. The roof was damaged, the windows were covered in a narrow layer of dust and the floors creaked at some places under the stained carpets. In his memories, this house was a castle against the evil that lurked outside. But in the present, it was the graveyard of his youth, the prison of his carefree spirit. 

Goodbyes were hard. But Sam had a hunch - an unexplainable feeling - that it was not final. He would return to this place, hopefully as a new (and better) version of himself. However, for that to happen, he needed to leave the shame and guilt behind so that he could be worthy of the Winchester name. Winchesters were brave fighters, but Sam had been nothing but pathetic in this last 2 months. He could now admit that he was lost but also dedicated to finding his place in the world. 

Find something that worked for him. 

"Hey, bitch," Sam tore his gaze away from the house to see Dean approach him with something held tightly between his fingers. "Having second thoughts?" 

Sam looked back at the sunlit building and was shocked to realize that there was not one drop of hesitation left in him. He was honestly excited about the future. 

"No," He finally answered, "Are you sure you'll be alright?" 

"Yeah, man, I got Bobby," Dean reassured him with a pat on his shoulder. 

"This will be the first time you'll be alone in this house. You know, without Dad," Sam trailed off, carefully analyzing his brother's face to find any hidden clue which would prove that Sam should stay. Dean looked pensive as his gaze lingered on the house but when he turned back to Sam, his smile was genuine. 

"Nothing I couldn't handle," Dean said with his hands buried in his pockets, "Plus, I have my magazines and my hand so..." 

"Eww, gross, dude," Sam grimaced but shared a laugh with his brother that was suddenly interrupted by a deep voice: 

"And what about that boy you met the other day?" Bobby's suggestive tone made Sam's eyebrows shoot in the air. 

"What boy?" He asked and was surprised to see his brother blush in the semi-darkness of the afternoon. 

"Nothing, it was no one," Dean dismissed the question with a laugh before removing one hand from his pocket. Sam was not impressed by his brother’s lack of explanation but decided to let the topic slide as his brother opened his palm to reveal a car key clenched between his fingers. Sam's mouth fell open and he automatically raised his hands in defence. 

"No, Dean!" Sam went to argue but Dean stopped him before he could even start. 

"Yes, Sam. I had her for 3 years. She’s dad's heritage - almost like a family member at this point - and I want you to have her," Dean declared with the most sincerity Sam had seen from him in months, "Dad had tons of adventures in it. It's time someone finally owned up to his legacy." 

Sam gaped at his brother before silently taking the keys into his hands. He stared at the object for a minute before pulling his brother into a bone-crashing hug. Dean let out an airy laugh as he patted Sam' s back, clearly uncomfortable with the display of affection. 

"Alright, Sammy, get the hell out of here before I grow some boobs," Sam laughed at his brother and pushed him away so that Dean swayed a little on his feet. 

"Shut up, jerk," 

"Bitch" 

They shared a meaningful look before they could hear Bobby clear his throat behind them. He shot them a fond look before wrapping the younger Winchester in a tight hug. 

"Take care, son. And don't forget, you're always welcomed here." Sam had to wipe away a wayward tear from his cheeks while sending a grateful smile towards the older man. Sam was thankful they had someone as great as Bobby in their life. 

Sam took in a deep breath, chuckling nervously and noticing just how heavy his legs felt. Every step he took towards the car was as if chains were pulling him back into the darkness he’d crawled out of. He shook his head, opening the door and tossing his duffel bag into the passenger seat. He settled into the familiar feeling of a leather seat and childhood memories, his hands sliding over the wheel before locking eyes with Dean again. His brother nodded at him with an encouraging smile on his face and Sam felt himself relax. He was in control again. 

The tires stirred up a bit of dirt as the ’67 Chevrolet Impala rolled out of the driveway. Sam glanced into the rearview mirror one last time to see two hands waving at him from the distance. Familiar houses passed him as he neared the town limit, and something unpleasant grew in his stomach. This wasn't right. 

He hit the brakes with full force, staring at the open landscape before him and feeling dread wash over him. Where was he going? What was he going to do? 

"You couldn't leave without overthinking it, could you?" 

The land was cloaked in the scarlet rays of the sun, but Sam was sure that even the holy light of Heaven could not match the brightness of the angel on his passenger seat. Gabriel was as casual as ever, but the last glow of sunlight shimmered around his figure as if it wanted to bask in his grace. The light danced around Gabriel’s golden locks, creating an illusion of a halo above him, and Sam would have laughed if he hadn’t been so mesmerized by the scene. 

„You thought you can just leave without me, Samster? Have you forgotten that we are in this together?” Gabriel’s voice was playful and teasing, but not lacking the hint of concern and fondness that the angel seemed to express at all times. It was almost familiar, the bright feeling that Sam felt around the other which also helped the uneasiness to dissolve inside him. 

„I wouldn’t dream of it.” Sam responded, unable to look away from the other. Gabriel smiled up at him sweetly and almost shyly, and Sam wondered if the proximity of a person could feel like home. 

The taller man leaned down tentatively while his eyes took in every minuscule detail about the other’s face: his puffy pink cheeks, the small freckles around his nose and the mischievous twinkle in his eyes that pulled Sam down into the depths of unknown waters. The younger Winchester was not afraid to drown in the intensity of those irises, however, nor was he afraid to burn under the heated gaze that tried to swallow him up. Waves crashed as their lips met, and for a moment, nothing existed. It was just them. The warmth, the need, the comfort, the **love**. It felt like the Sun had reappeared after an eternity of darkness and finally broken through the thick clouds of fear and blame. It felt like a long-forgotten song reawakening in the most beautiful form of a symphony. 

It was like salvation. 

Their tongues danced together lazily, enjoying the closeness of each other and relishing the moment they had been unconsciously waiting for. As Sam thought about it, they were always heading this way. 

They broke apart with a relieved sigh, foreheads touching while they savoured the peace that the proximity brought. Sam gradually opened his eyes to meet Gabriel’s honey-brown irises in the twilight. 

„This…” He breathed, dizzy from the passionate kiss and the overwhelming feeling of happiness. „This could work.” 

Their eyes stayed trained on each other, similar smiles plastered on their faces before Sam settled back into his seat. He felt a new sensation blossoming inside him: exhilaration, anticipation for the future that now seemed less threatening and unsure. He never had a place in this world, but right now, sitting next to Gabriel, he finally felt like he belonged. 

„Where are we going?” The angel asked curiously, dropping one hand over the car’s door to view the sunset as it painted colours on the sky. 

„Anywhere?” Sam suggested, „Everywhere?” The younger Winchester tapped his fingers on the dashboard to an unfamiliar rhythm. Gabriel placed one hand onto Sam’s to stop the nervous fidgeting and rest their loosely intertwined fingers on the chassis. 

„Dean will be fine. Cassie’s gonna look out for him.” Gabriel assured him as if he could sense Sam’s insecurities. Looking back on past experience, he probably could. 

„You ready?” 

Sam looked at their joined hands, beaming up at the guardian angel as the Sun disappeared below the horizon. 

„As I’ll ever be.” 

It was still unclear what they would do tomorrow. There was no telling how far this road would take them, how many dangers they would have to face together. Perhaps, that was of no importance since nothing could make him doubt his faith in Gabriel. He had always been there for him, and no matter how many rules they would have to break to be together, Sam knew that he would stay. Because this… this is where he was supposed to be. 

Sam restarted the car while Gabriel turned the radio on full volume, blasting _Heat of the moment_ from the speakers as they drove into the night hand-in-hand.


End file.
